Q

Here I am, sitting yet again in the dark at 1 in the morning.

Will I ever be enough for anyone to love me for me and only me? 

I think about this quite often.

Nothing ever quite stuck. They could’ve, but they didn’t.

Maybe I am too desperate.

    Desperate to have someone,

                                                                                 to be loved,

to feel wanted.

Maybe I am too desperate to the point of crazy.

Maybe I want to be loved so bad that I cling on way too much that they tend to

wash away.

Or maybe, there’s just not enough of me to love.

Almost but not quite.

I could almost be the one but.

 

I’ve had too much of the almost.

Almost having something. Almost falling. Almost but just never enough.

Why is it that I always end up just being another? When can it just be me and no other?

 

Why?

When?

enough.

                                                                                           almost..

enough.

 

Late night thoughts

I find myself still thinking about you, but no longer with feelings of sadness, hate or depression.

I find myself thinking about you and missing you. Missing you with a smile on my face as I read our past conversations, reading our crazy, head over heels, cheesy lines to each other. Messaging and video calling each other every second that we could.

I find myself smiling at my memories of you, of us. The emotions of happiness, excitement and love. They no longer bring me sadness and sorrow but giggles and blushing cheeks.

It’s crazy, because it’s been so long.

It’s been months since things “ended” and it’s been nearly a year since it “started” and yet here I am, sitting on my bed, in the dark, at 2.30am, writing to you.

I don’t know if I ever still cross your mind. Probably not but that’s okay. I still wonder though what were your last thoughts of me. Were they good or bad? If you think of me, is it ever tied with feelings of anger or disgust? or is it with smiles and good thoughts?

I know I went crazy towards the end of it and I honestly wish I knew better. There were just too much emotions for me at that time that thinking logically was close to impossible for me and it sucks that my irrationality ended such a wonderful thing.

Some might say that it’s quite foolish of me to still be thinking about you, to the point that I have to write about you. It’s been so long and it wasn’t quite a “conventional” relationship but I don’t know why this still happens.

The fact is that I still miss you and I still think about you (obviously). I still wish we could talk again and catch up, but I feel like things might be awkward and it probably will never be the same. But I still remain hopeful.

I thought of you today more than I did in the past few months and I have no clue why. It could be a good thing, a bad thing or something completely irrelevant but either way, if it even matters, someone still thinks about you and is still rooting for you.

I hope things are going well for you. I hope you were able to finish up school with flying colors, got the internship of your dreams, successfully opened up your restaurant and most importantly, I hope and pray that you are happy.

 

A flicker of light in a dark tunnel

Living in the Basque country is such a different experience. One of the hardest things I had to go through was actually making local friends here and actually meeting someone to date. And so I resorted to dating apps. I’ve spoken with so many different people. Some of them douche bags and some of them pretty decent. With only a month left here in Spain, I started talking to this guy. We matched while I was in San Sebastian visiting my friend. We talked a little and he was sweet. We didn’t get to meet that weekend that I was here but we would still message each other through Whatsapp.

He’s a graphic designer and he’s also into photography. He surfs and skates, and works at a surf company. The conversation went slow at first but he was sweet. We would have good conversations once in a while about photography. He would even send me his works, I really liked one of his pictures and I even made it my phone’s wallpaper. I could somewhat say that I did kind of like him. I would get excited when I would get a notification on my phone from him.

Two weeks after we matched, we would still talk and he planned to come to my city to have a chill day touring my city. Sadly he got busy doing things and didn’t have enough time to come to my city and so I said, it’s okay another day. Although, the day after, on a Sunday, I decided to come to San Sebastian instead since I had no work anyway. So I told him and he was happy to know I was coming and though that maybe we could meet up later that day but sadly, he twisted his ankle and of course, I couldn’t let him make an effort to see me while he was barely even walking. So our meet up was delayed yet again. So Monday came and we finally made plans to meet at 8pm.

Goofy. That’s the one word I could use to describe him. I was really nervous to meet him because It had been a while since I actually went on a “date”. I even asked my friend to walk me to our meeting point just to calm me down a little. He was a little late so my friend and I waited a bit in a close by bench. When we met, it was chill. The usual two-cheek beso then we went on our way. He brought me to this place called Chin-Chin for a beer and we just talked about random things. Showing each other pictures we’ve recently taken. It was a good two hours then he walked me home, parting with a sweet little good night kiss.

I enjoyed the short time I had with him and he said that he did as well and he invited me to dinner again the next day but I had dinner plans with other friends and so I said that I’d meet him later that night instead.

The second night was good too. We just walked by the harbour and we went to the top of the aquarium where they had benches and a pretty nice view of the beach. We held hands while walking and it felt good. There were some forward advances but it wasn’t anything really bad. We ended the night quite late but it was really good. He then invited me again out the next day and this time he was inviting me to do a day trip to the south of France. At this point, everything felt like a dream. When are you invited on a date to France? Things were just so good.

The next day, since he gets off work pretty late in the day, we decided to just go through the coast of Gipuzcoa and ended in a little town called Zumaia. They were known for their cool rock formations that you could walk on if the tide was low. Sadly, the tide was high when we arrived but it was still okay. We just enjoyed the views and each others company. We took pictures and just had some beers and cookies while listening to the sounds of the waves crashing on the rocks. It was so good. the feeling of just being in his arms was great. Playing with those soft curly hair and staring into those marble like eyes. The moment was perfect. I hung onto him like a love struck teenager.

We headed back to San Sebastian before 9 because he had dinner with his dad but he said he’d want to meet after dinner again and so I said okay. We must up again afterwards and we drove around the city. To other parts I haven’t been to. He brought me to this view point up on a hill because I mentioned that I was a killer for beautiful views. It was a chilly night and so we just walked around the little park they had there and we sat on the swings for a little while.

It was a good three days.

How I wish it could have been more.

In another reality

You were in my dreams last night. I dreamt that it was a day in the present and I was back in Manila. I was going about my day, hanging out with friends and you happened to be there as well. It seems that you have come back home after years of being away. You don’t tell me or message me or anything, we just happened to be at the same place at the same time and things started to seem familiar. We awkwardly approach each other and let out an awkward hello. Me, being seemingly okay and with you not knowing how to respond but for a moment there we were back to how we used to be. Acting out the things we would once only talk about. Our hands, brushing against each other and in a moment, turning into a grasp. We disappeared into our own world. We held each other as if we waited for years to see each other again and our lips finally touch and it felt as if nothing could pull us apart. It was familiar and exhilarating, unchanged yet exciting, but perhaps in another reality.

I only wished for things to be this way, my heart willing for things to work out. But probably not in this reality. In this reality, you chose to ignore me and treat me as if I had done something tremendously awful that I must be ignored. In this reality, I’m the fool who still tries and is still wishing for things to work eventually. In this reality, I’m still waiting for summer to arrive, in the hopes that you will too. Maybe not in this reality, perhaps in another. Perhaps in another.

Perhaps in another it will be everything we talked about. Perhaps in another things will work out. Perhaps in another I won’t be a fool. But until that other reality exists, you and I will only be a dream, a wish, a part of my imagination. Perhaps in another, this reality would never exist.

It’s been a while

It’s been a while since I wrote on this because one, I haven’t really had reason to do so and two, because I kind of forgot my log in details so yeah. Anyway, about 2 years after my last post, here I am writing here again because there is so much I want to say that I can’t tell him directly. And no, “him” is neither of the guys I’ve written about in my previous posts but a guy who’s entered my life long ago, disappeared, reappeared and now disappeared again. There’s so much I want to say but never really had the courage to do so and I refuse to bottle up these emotions so I’d rather write here instead.

So, it’s been a while since we talked. The last I heard from you was over a month ago. The last we talked, I think I told you that I was sad because my dad had already left to go back home and I was feeling so alone. And then I don’t think I’ve ever heard from you since (I’m not quite sure if we spoke another time after that but I’d be too broken if I went through my messages to see when the last time was exactly) and I don’t blame you for it. I understand you need space and time to focus and finish your degree, I get it and it just sucks that I can’t be there for you to help you through the hard time and to celebrate the good times. I understand your situation which is why I let you be. After you explained why you just stopped talking to me all of a sudden for about 5 days, I backed off and figured I couldn’t force myself into your life anyway because that would just ruin us even more and maybe ruin our chances for a future. And I told myself that education is much more important than feelings and emotions anyway. So anyway, I let you be. And thought that it would be best that I just stopped texting you and chasing you so you could focus and lessen the drama in your life, even if it killed me to pretend not to care as much. And so I decided to send you post cards instead because at least I’d still be able to communicate with you (sort of) and tell you all about my experiences and that way you wouldn’t feel the need to reply or be bombarded with my boring stories or so that’s what I hoped it would be like. But it’s been over a month since I sent the 1st batch of post cards and it’s either they got lost in the mail, you haven’t gotten them or you have and just have no response to them. I remember messaging you once and you never replied so I figured maybe you didn’t want to be bothered or you didn’t want to talk to me and so I let it be and continued to write you letters and sent them through the mail but after some time of not hearing from you, I decided to stop writing you those letter because maybe you didn’t want them and they weren’t being appreciated so I stopped altogether until one day I couldn’t help it and just needed to know if you got my previous post cards or not so I messaged you on snapchat and still, no response but instead you blocked me (or deleted your snapchat, which is not likely) it hurt but I got over it. I don’t want to bug you with my lame girl thoughts and theories because I know you need to focus on your priorities and drama is not something you need in your life right now so I resorted to this instead, just so I won’t go crazy constantly thinking. So here is what I don’t get. What is it that i’ve done to you that makes you want to treat me this way? Constantly ignoring me, not even wanting to talk to me AT ALL. Did I do something to hurt you? or is this just how you deal? Does this make things easier for you? I just want to understand so I too can better myself. I understand that I might’ve been a little too “clingy” (in a sense) when you were really busy with all your priorities and I get that it wasn’t something you could deal with at the time but I don’t think I did anything bad enough for me to deserve to be treated this way. But I could be wrong and if I am I would really like to know your side of it all.

I’m not mad at you or anything like that I’m more sad that a good thing had to go to waste like that. I still miss you and think about you. Sometimes when I’m going around either in my city or in different places, I stare at the view and think to myself, he would have liked this and I wished that I could have shared that view with you or that moment with you. There were so many times when I would be so tempted to just send you a text to tell you all about my day (good or bad) but I knew if I did, you’d most likely just ignore me and I didn’t think I could handle that so well so I kept to myself and shared the moments with you in my head and I would still constantly wish that one day it could actually happen. I’ve avoided it for a while but I recently re-read your letter to me and it made me smile more than it made me cry and I hung up our picture on my wall too just to remind me of the good times. I still miss you and I wish I could just talk to you but I can’t. I still pray for you too and I wish that you’re doing okay. I hope all is well with your studies and with the restaurant. Looking forward to the day I get to see a notification on my phone from “little monkey” again. Take care always and hopefully I’ll see you soon enough.

❤ your little bear

Your heart in a letter.

“First I d like to thank you for even bothering to open this letter and for even giving me the chance to vent out and let out emotions, that have been suppressed for the longest time. I have no one else to talk to and tell these things to cause they all just don’t understand and I thought id come back and talk to the person that has been able to help me with this since forever. Im sorry that I even don’t have the guts to talk to you in person because I know id just break down and cry the moment you even allow me to talk to you. Please know that regardless of what I put in here and write down, I would never ask for anything of you in return.
This letter is not a product of a sudden change of event or emotion. Nor did I decide to write this letter all of a sudden. I promise that I really tried not to do this because I don’t want to bring any more trouble into your life than what I have already caused you but honestly im scared that if I don’t find someone to tell this to, happiness will forever be foreign to me. To some extent I understand that this letter is selfish, and that Its aim is to improve how I feel, but who knows right, maybe you’ll smile and get to laugh at how pathetic your ex boyfriend has become if this letter turns sour.
The thing is I am having problems moving on, to the point that I cant even go through with my life without having to think of you everyday. This is because youre the only person ive learned to love since forever. And I tell you that the only thing ive learned after we broke up and after we stopped talking to each other was that there is absolutely nothing in this world that is as priceless as your first love.
Xxxx hindi mo lang alam na kinailangan ko pagsisihan lahat ng ginawa ko sayo sa span na hind tayo magkasama at hanggang ngayon hindi ko parin mabitawan at matanggap yung fact na wala ka na. buti ka pa meron kang mga kaibigan na tumulong sa mga problema ng puso mo, pero ako , walang sinabihan at tinago ko sa likod ng aking mga ngiti yung sakit sa aking conscience na sinaktan kita. How do I forgive myself for hurting the girl I love? Hindi naman tayo magkaaway nung we stopped seeing each other but we did end up growing apart from one another. Super sakit isipin na wala akong mahanap na reason kung bakit kita kailangan saktan. Ganon ba ako ka gago? Kinaya kong ibreak yung heart nung girl na nagmahal sakin ng limang taon for no reason. Na hindi naman nya kasalanan na ayaw ng magulang nya sakin. At hindi naman nya ever ipinakita na nagbago ang tingin at pagmamahal nya sakin kahit na paulit ulit ko siyang ipinapahamak sa parents nya. Bakit hindi ko nasabi sa sarili ko yung mga yan nung araw na nawalan ako ng pagasa. Hindi ko nakita na binibigay mo na sakin ang pinakamataas na uri ng pagmamahal meron. I know that’s how much you loved me xxxx, cause that’s how much I love you. Bakit kailangan ko maging sobrang tanga.
​For the longest time ive been killing myself over that question. Ano meron at ginawa ko sayo yun. Cam? Not even. Tapos sa sobrang gago ko, sinaktan na nga kita, sinubukan ko pang pagaangin yung feeling ko by surrounding mysef with friends including women who have made me forget about my personal life and enjoy lang the social part of life. Two mistakes agad for me! Fuck my life…
​Pero kahit ganong kasaya pa. sobrang ramdam na ramdam ko na useless ang happiness if I cant be happy with you. I can’t explain why. Happiness with you is not a form of action. It’s not because of the food we eat or the activities we do. Not about the movies we watch or the places we hang out in. Happiness that makes me truly happy is being secure around your sphere of love that no matter if we never go out on a date, I know that you loved more and had faith in me more than anyone. I can only just imagine you, not knowing what to do to me whenever im out and drunk. And after everything, I can only say that you love like no one else. How were u even able to love someone like me. I don’t deserve you, but still I try, because I love you.
​IM SORRY THIS LETTER IS SUPER DRAMA. IVE ONLY BEEN CRYING WHILE TYPING THIS SO MEDYO STRAIGHT TO THE POINT SYA AND FRANK TALAGA.
​I know you understood me naman when I said na the reason hindi ako masaya sa relationship natin dati is because I couldn’t do anything with you. Im sure you’d agree that we could have been enjoying each other love more if not of certain restrictions. But ive realized that it’s not right of me to use that against you. Parang hindi naman karapatan ng boyfriend na suportahan siya ng girlfriend nya sa mga katarantaduhan nya. So for that im sorry also.
​Given everything, I know that we both want to move on with our lives. Honestly, I want mine to still move on along side yours. I still want you to be my baby because I miss you and because you’re the best girl for me. I do not expect you to feel the same way. I do not even expect you to believe me. But id like to ask, what should I do. Should I still hope that our love story will continue. Or is it time to give our love story its proper ending. Im sorry ive left you hanging all this months. I know we’ve never talked about this. I didn’t know how I guess or didn’t want to because I felt na we could be super close friends and still end up together. However clearly that plan didn’t work. Part of me not bringing this up before is also because I don’t want us to get hurt. Cause talking about this and telling this to you is like me hurting myself with each and every letter I type in this letter. Ofcourse I don’t want closure, because id never want you to end. But then again if closure is due, then I too respect that all good things come to an end, and for the sake of our love story, I want it to have an ending as meaningful as its beginning. I respect you xxxxxxx, as my girlfriend and still as my bestfriend. There is nothing more important to me than to save whatever is left of our relationship. I want us to be okay because ive been dying everytime I see you in jsec and not mind me. Im confused why w shouldn’t talk about this. Should I talk to you because youre mad at me or should I not talk to you because you might think im rude if I do. Honestly I don’t know what to do and because of that and because no one has ever told me anything that actually helped me, im begging you, pls, xxxxxxx, help?

​But then again, I promise will never ask you of anything and just listening to what I have to say and allowing me to let these out makes me truly grateful to you.
Pls don’t feel pressured to reply or talk to me.

​​​​​​​With love and much respect,
​​​​​​​​​xx xxxxxx”

A letter to you.

I dreamt about you again..

Why must you consume my thoughts yet again. And whenever I dream of you, she’s there to. Which just makes me wake up with such a horrible feeling.

I don’t know why you still cross my mind. Maybe I need closure. Maybe it just makes me feel bad that you’re still with her. I really don’t know.

Maybe I just want to be friends with you again. Try to make things somehow how they were before. I don’t want to hate anyone anymore.

I want us to be friends. I want to be able to talk to you like I used to. Share shit with you and what not. You were my best friend and you understood me better than anyone else..

I guess I just hate the feeling that I lost a dear friend. And that whenever we pass by each other I’d have to pretend you don’t exist. I can’t deny sometimes it feels nice to snob you in some weird way but most times I just want to e able to say hi to you and maybe even have some small talk.

I hate that we always have to avoid each other.. Can’t we just be friends.

You don’t even talk to me anymore.. Like I did something so horrible to you that we can’t be friends anymore. But maybe she’s stopping you. Or maybe you’re stopping yourself.. I dunno.. Anyway, I just want to say I still miss you.

At least the friend you were to me. I just want you to know how I feel I guess. And just to lay it all out there.

Hope you’re having a great life now 🙂 1 more Sem of college and you’re out! 🙂 I’m proud of you 🙂

I cant deny that i still miss you. i still think about you. 

i found my old phone today. the phone i used when i was still with you.. i found pictures and notes.. made me think about you.

i’ve been thinking about you quite a lot recently. i dont know why. you were even in my dreams. 

why can you just be a decent guy? why’d you have to cheat on me? why why why? so much unanswered questions.. i think i need closure. i need to know why you made those decisions. even if they’ll hurt. but at least it’ll be easier to move on.

Maybe you’re the type of guy that just cant be alone. you always have to have someone to love you. 

but i never stopped loving you. so why?

too much questions and no answers.

 

I know i shouldnt compare but loving you was different. i guess it’s true that your first love never dies. 

no doubt, i love John now but it was just different with you. i dont know why. 

i guess i just needed to type stuff down just so i could think of you less so you can slowly get out of my head…

 

post not making sense anymore.. thats enough for now. 

It comes around

I used to think that you were the only one I could truly love and that I would never love again.

You ruined me in more ways than one. You made me think that I could never find another to love and that love was just a stupid thing.

Until he came along..

John, I’m so happy I have you. You made me love again. You made me realize that happiness is out there and that there is more to life 🙂 you’ve been so amazing to me. I love you.

Some reflection paper for english class

Just felt like posting the paper i made. doesnt really make sense.. but oh well. haha.

 

It makes me wonder sometimes about the saying that “the fruit never falls far from the tree.” Technically, it’s just an observation about a fruit when it falls but as the philosophies came in, they were able to apply this in a parent – child relationship. So they say I’m a fruit, a fruit from the tree that is my parents, the fruit of their labor, the life-giving fruit, the fruit that enriches the body or the consumer. This is what I am, the fruit that does not fall far from the tree. I am made of what my parents are.

On my birthday, I was introduced to this lady who held me in her arms, holding me like I was such a precious gift. She took care of me and helped me grow, feeding me and providing for me. This woman is, as obvious as it seems, my mom.

“Clean your room!” “Go to your room!” “Finish your chores!” Oh the sounds I now hear as I walk down the hallway. The usual sentences I hear my mom screaming at me, always telling me to keep the house clean and to keep things in order. Most times, it irritates me and pisses me off because well being a teenager, that’s the usual feeling you get when your mom nags you to do things but in reality that’s one of the roles of a mother, to nag you, to keep you organized and do your best as well. You might think that my mom is one of those supper irritating moms that really just never stops but really, she’s not just that.

I’ve known her all my life (obviously) and I’ve been living in the same house with her and just like any mother-daughter relationship, or any relationship for that matter, there will be ups and downs but for me, this relationship is different.

In this relationship, it’s a constant up and down. From an up to a down in a matter of seconds, just like that things can change abruptly though unlike other relationships, this one is a never ending cycle. No matter how many times I get screamed at or how many times I screw up, the worst that could ever happen to this certain relationship is maybe not talk for a few days or maybe get grounded for a month but unlike other relationships, this one never ends.

My mom has always been and will always be the protagonist and at the same time, the antagonist of my life.

A protagonist is the lead character in a story, one that has exemplary characteristics that plays a vital role in the story. My life is the story, with my mom as the protagonist. Why? Because she’s the one I always look up to. She’s my role model. Her achievements are the ones that I’ll always hope to achieve. I always aim to be like her, a successful events planner, with a lot of friends and a lot of connections. Also as a mother, she really knows how to get us in line. She’s the one that keeps my life going, heck she’s the one that gave me life.

If we want to go outside to get some food, or watch some TV or to leave the house, we always have to pass by the area where my mom works, which is where the desktop is because she’s stuck to that almost 24/7 being an events planner and all, needing to communicate with people and make presentations. I’m not complaining that I have to see her everyday, but I mention this because everyday, passing by her working is a constant reminder to work hard. I see her everyday, going through a pile of paper work and making presentations, in constant communication with her crew, this motivates me and shows me that we should really work hard to be able to achieve things in life. My mother is my protagonist, the constant reminder to work hard for what you want, my role model.

My mom inspires me in a lot of ways; almost in every aspect of my life she inspires me to fight for what I deserve and for what I believe in because she herself does the same. Yes I am her fruit, thus I do not fall far from the tree. I want what she wants and she wants what I want.

In a story, you can’t just have a protagonist; there must always be an antagonist because without one the protagonist wont be a protagonist.

My mom is the obvious constant antagonist in my life. She’s always the one that will tell me to do things that I don’t like to do like clean my room and do chores. She will always be the one that goes against me having a boyfriend or having a relationship with any guy for that matter. And she will always be the one that gets really mad at me when I do stupid things. She’s the one that keeps us in line and really forces us to the right and best direction.

Walking through that same area where my mom works is this big white board where in all our chores are laid out for us, each one having a chore to do on a certain day and also everyone having a special assignment on the side and these are tasks WE CANNOT ESCAPE. Being a well-organized person, my mother ALWAYS makes sure that we get things done. Every morning, as I wake up to check my phone the first text that I’ll always get is a text from my mother telling me to clean my room and do my chores. It’s quite ironic how in the same area I can have the good and bad side to my mom. On one side of the hallway is the mom that inspires me to work hard and on the other side of the hallway is the mom that irritates me by nagging me to do the chores that I hate to do. It’s not really wrong for a mom to nag you to do chores but in the eyes of a teenager such as myself, I hate it. Thus proof of her being the antagonist to my life.

Yes, these are the usual characteristics of a mother but these are ones that are unique to my mom. Your mom is different from my mom in many ways but they can be the same through their goals and plans for you and me. There isn’t much more that I can say about my mom, except that maybe, without her, I wouldn’t be who I am today. No matter how cliché that line is, it’s the truth.

I became a responsible person because of her. Through her example, always having everything under control, always making sure that everything gets done and always setting her priorities, I learned and was inspired to be just like her.

I am the fruit that doesn’t fall far from the tree. Setting my own goals for the year and being responsible in my own way, making sure that my tasks and roles as a student, as a block representative and as a daughter and sister will be done well and on time.

I became a more organized person because of her really leading me to the right path even through her constant nagging and even by getting mad at me for leaving my things lying around. Because she makes an effort to really be present in my life and makes sure that I make the right decisions, I am able to be more organized and really have my priorities set.

A lot of who I am now is thanks to her. Even if, like I said, she really pisses me off sometimes, I’m still really thankful for all that she does for me to keep me on the right track and to help me be the best that I can be. They say that I look exactly like her when she was young and I believe that I don’t only look like her but I think I will grow up to be like her. As they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and most times children wouldn’t like that to happen because they don’t like how their parents treat them but as much as we would like to avoid it, we will always be like our parents when we grow up, and for me, that’s okay. I can be better than my mom in some ways but technically; I’d want to be like her, with a bit of adjustments. I look up to my mom, the most organized, successful, creative and hands on events planner, wife, sister and mother in my world. I am the fruit of her labor. I am the life-giving fruit that enriches the body of the consumer. I am the fruit that does not fall far from the tree.